Friday Funnies
If you get caught sleeping at your desk:
NUMBER 5: "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
NUMBER 4: "This is just a 15-minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to."
NUMBER 3: "Whew! 'Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!"
NUMBER 2: "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) "... Amen”.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like peaches.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
If the shoe fits get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day.
Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Kids….
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him "I am 62." My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"