Friday Funnies

cwdtmmrs

Well Oiled
Jul 19, 2012
3,033
First Name
Tim
Willys Model
  1. Wagon
Willys Year:
  1. 1952
A 60, 70 and 80 year old man we're having breakfast at the Assisted Living place where they lived. The 60 year old man says, " Getting old really sucks. I can't pee. I'm up 3-4 times a night with the urge but still can't squeeze a drop." The 70 year old man responds, " That's nothing, wait till you're my age. I can't poop. I can't go for 3-4 days until I finally take a bunch of laxatives. Then I can poop through a straw for two days and the cycle starts all over again." The 80 year old looks at them both and says, " You guys have nothing to complain about. Every morning at 6:30 sharp I pee like I'm 17 again. After that I have some of the best bowel movements of my life. " The other two men look at him with a puzzled look and inquire to what is wrong with that? The 80 year old replies, " I don't get out of bed until 8:00! "
 
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rocket

Well Oiled
Sep 3, 2015
1,835
Sierra Mtns
First Name
Rodney
Willys Model
  1. Wagon
Willys Year:
  1. 1963
WHY I RETIRED
Back in the 90's some of the equipment I was responsible for maintaining were equipped with an Analog Computer and the Hydraulic Joy Sticks were( Fly By Wire. ). No connection to the hydraulic system other than wires to a box full of VW style horn relays. Any time you moved the control it tripped a relay that sent power to a Solenoid Controlled Hydraulic Valve, which allowed fluid to move a hydraulic ram to swing the blade. Well needless to say the system was a miserable failure. Operators told me they carried a stick to tap the box behind the passenger seat when they moved the Joy Stick and sometimes it seemed to help.

So I drew up a new set of plans and sent them to the US Distributor of the Machine. My plans showed the Joy Stick, control box and solenoid valves, but I added another switch, another relay and solenoid that tripped a hammer to tap on the Control Box whenever the Joy Stick was moved just to Knock some sense into the relay box and make it work. "Fine German Engineering" is a contradiction of terms.

HammerFore.
The Factory did not take my recommendation to heart. They made it even more complicated by changing from analog to an actual on-board Digital Computer. Then I had to buy a Laptop to diagnose the new system. I Retired soon after.
 
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cwdtmmrs

Well Oiled
Jul 19, 2012
3,033
First Name
Tim
Willys Model
  1. Wagon
Willys Year:
  1. 1952
Friday Funday


Old hands.


Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.


Old chemists never die, they just reach equilibrium.


Old cosmologists never die, they just go to another world.


Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.


Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.


Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.


Old professors never die, they just lose their faculties.


Old publishers never die, they just go out of print.


Old soldiers never die..........


young ones do.

Old truck drivers never die, they just get a new Peterbilt.
 

Larry Messing

Well Oiled
Apr 5, 2014
2,240
Phoenix AZ
First Name
Larry
Willys Model
  1. Pickup
Willys Year:
  1. 1951
.... In addition to hammerfore.....

Whenever somebody does something really stupid....usually while driving .......or acting or talking in person .....

We have a habit of saying..... you Dickfore...!!!.....

.. Which then in turn then begs the obvious question .......they inevitably ask.....

..which the response is...... if you don't know........ I'm not going to tell you....!!
 
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Gojeep

Well Oiled
Jan 10, 2010
3,725
Victoria Australia
First Name
Marcus
Willys Model
  1. Pickup
Willys Year:
  1. 1948
Friday Funnies

If you get caught sleeping at your desk:

NUMBER 5: "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

NUMBER 4: "This is just a 15-minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to."

NUMBER 3: "Whew! 'Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!"

NUMBER 2: "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) "... Amen”.



The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like peaches.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

If the shoe fits get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day.

Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.



Kids….

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him "I am 62." My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
 

Blue Duck

Sharpest Tool
Mar 16, 2020
312
Western Texas
First Name
Stan
Willys Model
  1. Pickup
Willys Year:
  1. 1955
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.
"So, Devil, how's it going down there in hell?" says God.
"Hey, things are great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" replies Satan.
"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" God says.
"No way! says the Devil, "I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him!"
"Send him back up here right now or I'll sue!" says God.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers:
"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
 

Blue Duck

Sharpest Tool
Mar 16, 2020
312
Western Texas
First Name
Stan
Willys Model
  1. Pickup
Willys Year:
  1. 1955
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
 
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