Friday Funnies

Friday Funnies​

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."



Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."



A travelling salesman knocked on a farmer's door late one night and requested a place to sleep for the night. "We're a little tight on space," said the farmer, "so I'm going to have to put you in with my three sons." "Oh, pardon me," said the salesman, "I must be in the wrong joke."

As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the kids, don't we?"



The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"



When you are bored, just think about a few things that don't make sense ...like:

If a poison use by date expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims"

100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

At a movie theatre, which arm rest is yours?

If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

Why does the word funeral start with FUN?

Why isn't a Fireman called a Waterman?

How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?

If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?

If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?

How does one get off a non-stop Flight?

Why are goods sent by ship called Cargo and those sent by truck Shipment?

Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?

Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?

Why are undies a pair but a bra single?

Don’t be fooled: Nothing doesn’t rhyme with Orange.

Why is abbreviation such a long word and can’t be abbreviated?

How come Noses run and Feet smell?

Elephants have Big Ears because Noddy won’t pay the ransom.

What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?



Old hands.

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

Old chemists never die, they just reach equilibrium.

Old cosmologists never die, they just go to another world.

Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
 
The new CEO wanted to set the tone that slackers won’t be tolerated.

Walking onto the floor of an office full of workers, he noticed a young man standing around looking at his cell phone. Seizing the opportunity to make an example and show all the workers how tough he is, the CEO barked, “How much are you paid each month?”

Surprised, the young man replies, “About $2,000.”

“Wait right here,” says the CEO, walking back to his office. Returning a minute later, he handed the young man $1,000 and said, “Here’s two week’s pay, leave now and don’t come back.”

Feeling quite pleased, the CEO looked around at all the stunned workers watching wide-eyed. “Now, who wants that young man’s job?” he asked.

From across the room, a voice replied, “Sir, that was the pizza delivery guy.”
 
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