Friday Funnies

Believe it or not, the statements below are taken from actual insurance accident claims forms.
Incidents with Pedestrians.
The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
Accidents with other vehicles.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him.
Collisions, calamities, and injuries.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

How some tradies manage to get the job done:​
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Safety first.​
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Bill was working in his front garden one day when, suddenly, a car came crashing through his fence and ploughed into his front lawn.
Momentarily startled, Bill quickly gathered his composure and rushed to help the driver.
He could see that the driver was quite elderly, so Bill helped them to get out of their car slowly and sat them down in a chair on his veranda.
“Forgive me,” said Bill. “I don’t want to appear judgmental, but you look to be a little too old to be driving.“
“Well, I’ll be 95 next month,” they said, “and I’ve now reached the age where I don’t even need a driver’s license anymore.“
“Really?” said Bill. “Why do you say that?“
“Well, when I had my physical recently, my doctor asked if I had a driver’s license.”
“Presumably, you told him you did?” Bill responded, quizzically.
“That’s right and I handed it to him to prove it.”
“And what did he say?” asked Bill.
“The doctor just took some scissors from a draw and cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, before saying, ‘You don’t need this anymore!”
“And what did you say?” asked Bill.
“Naturally, I thanked him for letting me know, and then I left”.
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