Friday Funnies

Lee Arnold

Sharpest Tool
All-Star
Nov 25, 2017
380
Syracuse New York
First Name
Lee
Willys Model
  1. Pickup
Willys Year:
  1. 1953
Lucas Industries was the company behind the infamous electrical systems in British cars.

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Flying home from a customer meeting in Detroit I sat next to a guy that said he was a rep for Lucas. I asked 'You mean the Dukes of Darkness?" He chuckled and said he has heard them all (has anybody?). He said at the time Lucas was actually doing well with world class products -but they can never live down their past!
 

skratch

Sharpest Tool
Jun 15, 2017
395
bernardo nm
First Name
john
Willys Model
  1. CJ
Willys Year:
  1. 1958
Flying home from a customer meeting in Detroit I sat next to a guy that said he was a rep for Lucas. I asked 'You mean the Dukes of Darkness?" He chuckled and said he has heard them all (has anybody?). He said at the time Lucas was actually doing well with world class products -but they can never live down their past!
I've got an English friend here in NM, he would agree. He got an old Triumph a while back, fixed it up a bit and took the wife
for a ride to dinner out. Some guy came in and asked: whose little car is on the sidewalk against the wall ? It had started itself.
 

rocket

Well Oiled
Sep 3, 2015
2,038
Sierra Mtns
First Name
Rodney
Willys Model
  1. Wagon
Willys Year:
  1. 1963
A group of English Professors were at a conference concerning the Latest addition of Webster's Dictionary set to come out. They were discussing the same and different meaning for the words Finished and Completed. There didn't seem to be much agreement till one Older Married Professor stood up and said. It's simple folks."
"A man who finds a good woman and marries her is (Completed)"
"A man who finds and marries the wrong woman and divorces her is (Finished)"
"But the man who married the good woman and is caught fooling around with the wrong woman is (Completely Finished)"!!
 

Gojeep

Well Oiled
Jan 10, 2010
3,758
Victoria Australia
First Name
Marcus
Willys Model
  1. Pickup
Willys Year:
  1. 1948
Friday Funnies

A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds,

"Grandma? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"When did you learn to speak English?"



My daughter was doing a project on 70s rock groups, and she asked me to name 2 of them.

"Yes!" I said.

"Who?" she asked.

"There you go," I replied.



"This recipe is silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them."



An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behaviour, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues’ whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."



The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called; she wants her sign back!"
 

Blue Duck

Sharpest Tool
Mar 16, 2020
342
Western Texas
First Name
Stan
Willys Model
  1. Pickup
Willys Year:
  1. 1955
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run over the pair.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on other side of the street and the blind man pulls a doggie biscuit out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a treat? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "As soon as I find where his head is, I’m gonna kick his ass."
 
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rocket

Well Oiled
Sep 3, 2015
2,038
Sierra Mtns
First Name
Rodney
Willys Model
  1. Wagon
Willys Year:
  1. 1963
I've got an English friend here in NM, he would agree. He got an old Triumph a while back, fixed it up a bit and took the wife
for a ride to dinner out. Some guy came in and asked: whose little car is on the sidewalk against the wall ? It had started itself.
I had a Triumph Spitfire for several years. I put an Oldsmobile 215 Aluminum V8 , & T5, 5speed trans in it, with all GM Delco electrics, 10SI alternator. Replaced all the wiring, light sockets everything was replaced with not one item of Lucas Electrics in it. My wife and I went to breakfast one morning at Denney's. The darn thing caught fire in the parking lot and almost burned to dirt. There must be something more with British cars than just Joseph Lucas.
 

Lookout Ranch

Well Oiled
All-Star
May 9, 2015
5,835
Sierra Foothills
First Name
Kurt
Willys Model
  1. Wagon
Willys Year:
  1. 1957
The folks at Nissan were preparing to dive into the US car market way back when, but they couldn’t think of a good brand name for the line of cars and trucks they planned to sell.

Figuring the Germans knew a thing or two about marketing cars in America, after their success with Volkswagen, the Japanese executives outsourced the job of finding a name to a German PR firm and went back to work on their cars and trucks.

The Germans, in their rigorous scientific way, set about designing a study to determine which sounds and combinations of sounds Americans liked best, which would be followed by a series of focus groups in all the major regions around the US to pick the perfect name.

A few weeks later the Japanese executives called the PR firm and let them know they were ready to start rolling cars off the assembly line and needed the name.

The astonished Germans replied, “Dat soon?”
 

cwdtmmrs

Well Oiled
Jul 19, 2012
3,133
First Name
Tim
Willys Model
  1. Wagon
Willys Year:
  1. 1952
A farmer was headed into town with his oldest boys. He was only going to be gone for a few hours so he left his youngest son Matt in charge until they returned. This was the 1st time Matt was left alone and he was pretty excited. About an hour later there was a knock on the door. Matt amswers to find the neighbor. Mr Johnson standing on the porch.

" Is your Pa home?" Mr. Johnson asked.

"No Sir, but he left me in charge. Can I help you?" Matt eagerly replies.

"No son, this really between me and your Pa".

Matt, trying to seem important, asks, " Is it about our corn? Do you want to buy some corn? I can sell you some corn".

"No, it isn't about your corn."

"It must be about our prize bull then. Do you want to hire our bull for stud service? I know all about that."

Mr Johnson, visibly upset now and with a raised voice says, No son, it isn't about your damn bull either, but since you think you know everything, your older brother got my daughter Maggie pregnant. What are you going to do about that!"

Matt's tone changes and he answers. " I'm sorry Mr Johnson, you're right, you need to talk to my Pa. I know how much he charges for our stud bull, but I don't know what he charges for my brother."
 

cwdtmmrs

Well Oiled
Jul 19, 2012
3,133
First Name
Tim
Willys Model
  1. Wagon
Willys Year:
  1. 1952
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends.
 

RJwagon

Bigger Hammer
All-Star
Apr 14, 2021
128
Dallas Texas
First Name
Ray
Willys Model
  1. Wagon
Willys Year:
  1. 1950
The old farmer was complaining to the vet that his prize boar hog wasn’t producing enough piglets and he was loosing money. The vet suggested that the farmer sell the boar and inseminate the sows himself. The farmer couldn’t believe his ears and left the vet’s shop in disgust. A few weeks went by and he began to rethink what the vet had said and called to confirm that other farms were inseminating their sows themselves. The vet assured him that was indeed the case and offered to help the old farmer with the first few sows. The old man turned him down out of embarrassment, saying “I think I would know how to impregnate a sow after 40 years of farming. I only have one question; how will I know when the insemination has taken effect?”. The vet replied “they will lie around in the stye and not be very active.”

The old farmer was too embarrassed to inseminate his sows right there in the stye next to the barn because he could be seen from the house, so he loaded up his sows in his truck and took them out to the back pasture gave them all a good servicing. The next day he checked all the sows and they were still frisking around the stye, so he loaded them up in the truck and hauled them back out to the pasture and serviced them all again.

The next day he was really tired from all the servicing and asked his wife to see if the sows were still frisky or were they lying around. She came back and said “I think they’re still frisky, they’re loaded up in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”
 
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